Doggy humour

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet
for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean
View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was
very good and the wine selection was also good.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there
in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was
wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been
there before.

Sorry, this has nothing to do with dogs, but it reminds me so much of how my girlfriends and I have been choosing restaurants for years! Ring any bells ladies?

This lady found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the check out, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Nice one Shelley!!!

That made me chuckle

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:



1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk...


8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.


9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"


10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.


11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.


12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.


13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


And last, but certainly not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.

Love it!!

Nice one Sam ..like that joke!!! All very true!!!
Do rember the true test bit like this though...

hairybeasty wrote:

Is it woman or dog that deserves the title of "man's best friend"?
Try this experiment...
Put dog and wife in the car boot.
Drive to the local pub or one further away if feeling brave.
Enter pub,drink at least 7 pints or stay inside for 3 hours whichever is longer.
Leave pub.
Open boot and say "hello who wants a cuddle"?
Guess which one is pleased to see you......

I know that all of you are not retired but it is funny anyway.




Banned from Sainsbury's - Didn't like shopping there anyway

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I
ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...... it will be their laugh for the day.

Brilliant!

A young man was at his new girlfriends parents house for dinner. He was suffering a bit from trapped wind from the curry the night before,but was trying so hard to impress the girl's father with his knowledge of economics,he forgot about the flatulence
After a while,halfway through the meal,the young man realised he had no option but to let out some of the pressure.. but quietly... and he was sure that any smell would be blamed,not on the girlfreind,or even on the father,but on the hairy Deerhound under the table... so he let out a wee squeak.. ...
"Elsie Grey!" said the girls mother,who,judging from her choice of husband had better hearing than eyesight...
The young man was glad that this famously naughty dog had got the blame...so he relaxed as he ate his food.. ...whoops.. what was that noise?
"Elsie Grey!" said the girls mother..and the young man was pleased this dog was getting all the blame for his bad manners.. the conversation was going well,and he was sure the girls parents could not help but like him..
Just one more quick release and all would be well...so he duly did,as he spoke eloquently on the nation's finances...
"Elsie Grey!!"said the girl's mother..."come here before he shits on you!!"

Ooohhhh, just too funny!!

Funny enough Elsie Grey does suffer from wind too, she has been known to belch right in a judges face as she was having her teeth checked...ooops

Glad you liked it Daisymay.. also pleased you didnt mind the fartistic licence...

hairybeasty wrote:

Glad you liked it Daisymay.. also pleased you didnt mind the fartistic licence...

I retired yesterday,and the rest of my life stretched before me...
Went to the park today,and dog did number two's in front of the Park Ranger... .he started to write out a ticket for dog fouling....I said "c'mon mate,give me a break"...he continued writing the ticket...so I called him a mono-syllabic name of anglo-saxon origin. ..so he wrote out another ticket for abusive language...I said "c'mon mate,give me a break"..and he carried on writing..so I thumped him...he then wrote a ticket for assault...{after wiping the dog-do-do from his hand}. ..and asked me for the name of the dog...at which point I walked away,and said,"thats not my dog"..and it wasn't...
So the moral is,dont pick on retired people,they have plenty of time to make trouble..

Oh I have been missing these, brilliant Hairybeasty!

I haven't been anywhere, just watching the football and have been ill with a bad cold, reading these has made me feel better!

So sorry to hear youre under the weather... ...Dr.Grumpy prescribes lots of alcohol and a good laugh...am working on the next joke as we speak...

OK Lurch,(and others) here goes..hope it cheers you all up... ..not doggy but hey..

While on holiday,I hired a boat,and went fishing for the day....
At lunch time I decided to go to the pub,for a few beers..my wife asked if she could take the boat out into the middle of the lake...and read her book for an hour or two...I of course said yes..and left the fishing gear in the boat..knowing it would be looked after.....
My wife was in the boat a while later..in the middle of the lake..reading..when she was approached by the Ranger..who said "excuse me madam,but can I see your fishing permit please?"...to which my wife replied.."no sir I am not fishing,just reading"..he then replied.."but madam,I see you have all the equipment,and you might start fishing at any moment"..."if you cannot produce a valid permit,then I am afraid I will have to arrest you"..
To which my wife replied.."Oh but sir,if you do that,I will have no option but to press charges against you for sexual misconduct". ..the Ranger said "madam..I have not touched you"...and my wife said "but sir,you have all the equipment,and you might start at any moment"....
And the moral is,dont push your luck with women who read,the chances are,they can also think.. .(not to say that that women who don't read are thick)